Addition
by AKAAkira
Summary: He wasn't "wise", exactly. He was as far from "sacred" as it could get. And the next person who dares to call him "beautiful" was going to get a foot in the face (aside from the ladies, of course). But he WAS powerful, and after a life as the "Zero", Louise would settle for one out of four with everything she had.
1. The Summons I

_**A/N: This is really just a way for me to exercise daily commitment, so no guarantees on quality, you can probably expect daily updates assuming I haven't lost steam, and the chapters are usually going to be short and probably yonkoma (four panel) style.**_

* * *

Sanji was going to die, and it wasn't even going to be a hot lady who did him in.

He knew what he had been getting into when he made the deal with Ivankov. Find the _Okama kenpou_ masters, steal their secret ingredients, avoid detection, hone his skills, flee from the masses of batshit insane transvestites trying put him into a dress...assault him with makeup...smother him – _ugh_...smother him with..._kisses_... In other words, avoid emasculation. Yes, he signed up for all that, and he regretted it every day since.

It hadn't been hopeless, however. He had been confident he could keep running, whether it be through rain, snow, hail, sand, or the revolting masses of homosexuals who had been lucky (or unlucky, in Sanji's case) enough to dogpile him. Heck, he even managed to pick up CP9's Airwalk technique. He honestly hadn't been expecting that.

Then it turned out one of the _kenpou_ masters knew a similar technique and taught it to practically everyone else.

So the good news was, only the strongest of them had actually managed to learn the technique, which actually made it easier for Sanji to know who to hunt down, which in turn meant Sanji completed Ivankov's deal in less than three months. The drag queen even offered to personally tutor him for the time remaining 'til Sanji was to meet up with the rest of his crew. The _bad_ news was, Sanji no longer had any place to run, and he was seriously considering bolting no matter _what_ Ivankov promised him, whether it be mastery of Haki or, hell, the shortcut to All Blue! The only thing keeping him there was the fact that even setting sail wouldn't give him safety against the _Okama_ pirouetting through the air.

Which brought him to this day. Sanji was slowly but surely being driven into the mentality of a cornered animal. He couldn't trust the earth. The sea wasn't safe. He couldn't stay in the sky forever. The day in which Sanji was going to lose his manliness was coming horrifyingly close.

"You'll never take me alive!" Sanji cried, his feet beating on the air desperately as he dashed away from the onslaught of manically giggling man-girls. He risked a glance back and almost screamed. The lead _Okama_ was puckering his lips out like some sort of demented anteater, and the distance between them was closing centimetre by centimetre. Sanji threw his concentration back to running and shot forward in a powerful burst.

This was precisely why he didn't notice the green portal or the fact he just ran right into it.

A confusing sensation of free-fall later, most of which he didn't notice in his sheer panic, Sanji landed on grass amidst smoke and a sudden chattering of voices.

Sanji almost fled right then and there, convinced that those transvestites had managed to trap him somehow, if it wasn't for two things. One, the grass felt...different. He had run through every square millimetre of the _Okama_'s home island, and was convinced that he didn't know the sensation beneath his feet right now. And two, a few of the complaining voices he could hear right now sounded like girls. _Legitimate_ girls. All of this could just add up to a very convincing staging, of course, but until the smoke cleared at least, he wouldn't know which way was clear and which way was filled with hairy, muscle-clad and flat-as-a-washboard chests.

Then the smoke cleared, and Sanji found himself bewilderedly staring at the blessedly plump bosom sported by a dark-skinned girl – an honest to God _girl_! – in his line of sight.

Dazed, the cook took one glance back in the direction he came from, only to find nothing but the stares of curious teenagers and a stone building in the distance. No man-girl in sight. He had done it. He had escaped their dastardly clutches.

There was only one thing to do in a situation like this.

Sanji raised both arms above his head and screamed, "FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOM!"


	2. The Summons II

Louise was positively speechless.

She had summoned (what was rather obviously) a commoner. And he was a total mess. His clothes were dirtied, wrinkled – almost as if they had been trampled on. (And there, on that patch of underclothes revealed by his torn-open tuxedo – were those _makeup_ stains?) His hair was completely disheveled, growing out at a jagged length and tossed about like it had gone through one of her mother's square-class hurricane attacks. He definitely had not shaved for days on end. And his expression, that wild, cornered look, suggested desperation akin to one who had broken out of Tristain's Royal Prison and had the entire Dragon Knights sicced on him –

_'Oh,'_ Louise thought, paling immediately as the possibility occurred to her. Summoning a commoner familiar was bad enough already; that the creature most suited to her might be a wanted man would make her family disown her faster than she could say "Valliere". Preposterously, she found herself hoping against hope that her classmates would dismiss the man as a completely, totally unremarkable plebeian and leave it at that.

Not in this universe, unfortunately.

"Did the Zero just summon a criminal?" Kirche said, her assets bouncing as if to accentuate her incredulity. "He looks like he escaped from imprisonment with the hounds of Hell after his tail!"

Nip it in the bud. _Nip it in the bud._

Louise whirled on Kirche immediately. "H-How dare you make baseless slanders on me and my familiar! I will have you know, such accusations lacking evidence are grounds for –"

This, of course, was the moment the man raised his arms to the air and screamed, "FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOM!"

Well, damn. And she couldn't even deny it wasn't her familiar anymore, either.


	3. The Summons III

**_A/N: Welp, this is a tad embarrassing. Yes, "Feedom" from the last two chapters were indeed supposed to be "Freedom". Apparently I was more concerned about counting the "E"s than the "R"..._**

**_Also, so much for daily updates._**

* * *

Still, where _was_ he? Sanji had no idea how he managed to arrive at this - well, judging by the young adults in uniform, either a military encampment or a school. (Then he realized that practically everyone was talking amongst themselves loudly and pointing at him, then saw that one of the people coolly observing him was a short, little blue-haired girl, and decided, _'Yup, this is a school.'_) Was it an accident he got here, or did someone bring him? And if they did, why did they do it and was it through one of those Devil Fruit powers he hadn't memorized before, or something like Franky's crazy inventions? And if it _was_ an accident, was it by some freak occurrence from the Grand Line's weather or something else entirely?

Behind him, Sanji heard someone yell, "No, Miss Zerbst, stay back!"

He turned around, got an eyeful of those heavy racks, and promptly had all trains of thought derailed.

The red-haired girl pointed a stick at him. "Cease and desist, you scoundrel! Surrender yourself to my custody!"

Sanji practically threw his arms up. "With pleasure!"

The girl blinked. "Huh. That was easier than I thought it would be."

A man with a staff walked to her side. "_Thank _you, Miss Zerbst. Now, if you'll be so kind as to allow me to handle this man from this point on-"

Sanji put about three months' worth of undiluted hatred against males attempting to "handle" him into his glare. "**Fuck off, baldie.**"

"Baldie" took a slow step back. "On second thought, Miss Zerbst, you may keep watch. I'll just go and...notify the faculty..."


	4. The Summons IV

"Now, wait just a minute!"

It was a pink-haired girl who yelled that. As she strode forward, she glared at the red-haired girl. "I'd think I can keep a leash on my own familiar, thank you very much! As a Vallière, I can do nothing less!"

The other girl rolled her eyes. "Oh, _please_, Louise. We both know you can't even guard a mouse...at least, not without blowing it up. Be a dearie and let the _grown-ups_ take care of this, okay?"

The pink-haired girl - _'Louise,'_ Sanji memorized - went red in the face. "J-just because you're more developed doesn't give you the right to talk down to me, you - you lewd player!"

"Oh? But I never mentioned anything about my _private time_, little Louise. Get your mind out of the gutter, okay? You're only a pipsqueak, after all!"

Okay, this was escalating too fast!

"Ladies, ladies!" Sanji cried, discreetly checking his pockets for anything like a comb to tidy himself up. In retrospect, he really wasn't presentable to females at all right now! "Please, calm yourselves! You need not fight over me. I service each and every women to the best of my ability!"

The two girls stared at him for a moment.

"Service?" Louise said blankly, apparently not having pegged him for that type. Sanji mentally cursed and searched just a bit harder for that comb.

On the other hand, the red-haired girl chuckled throatily.

"Oooh, I like this one... It's such a shame we might have to turn you in, little boy..." The girl once again thrust her considerable assets out. "Then tell me, what kind of service do you prefer to do? In the dining room...the kitchen...or the bedroom?"

Sanji was about to answer when he suddenly realized just how women-deprived he'd really been, when his tongue tied up and refused to answer his commands. In the next second, the red-haired girl was right next to him.

"Or maybe you'd like me to pick...?" the girl whispered seductively. "Then it won't be such a hard choice at all... I felt so lonely, you know, these past few nights... Some warm company won't be unwelcome..."

"Kirche!" Louise shrieked, sounding scandalized. Sanji himself was feeling very out of it; head light, face burning, his eyes unfocused. Damnit! He had to respond like a gentleman! Respond like...a gentleman...

And then the red-haired girl - Kirche - gave a wide grin. "Oh you're just so _cute_!" she squealed, and glomped him firmly into her chest.

_'Oh... So this is what heaven feels like...'_ was Sanji's last coherent thought before he fainted in bliss.


	5. The Summons V

By the time the mystery man woke up, Professor Colbert had already confirmed with a quick relay to the palace that there had _not_, in fact, been an escaped prisoner from the Royal Palace within the last twenty-four hours, nor had there been a message from any of the surrounding countries on such. (And anyway, the thought that someone could walk around in anything as flashy as the disarrayed tuxedo the mystery man was wearing and still remain unnoticed _was_ rather ridiculous). Most of the class had by this point stopped taunting Louise and had wandered off to their own machinations (which Colbert heartily approved of, since they were taking the initiative to bond with their familiars), leaving only the chipper, still-guarding Kirche, the still-reading Tabitha, and a slightly-sniffling Louise trying to hold a severe expression at the spot the spell took place, before the professor finally pronounced the ritual fit to proceed.

Thus prompted Problem Number One: "I am _not_ kissing a plebian!"

So then Colbert had to pull out the "I-cannot-believe-you-young-lady-this-is-a-sacred- art-handed-down-by-Brimir-himself!" prosaism, which at least never failed in humbling the students. That done, Louise got ready with the Contracting Spell.

Then came Problem Number Two: "I am _not _kissing an underage girl!"

Colbert had no contingency for that one. A byproduct of getting too used to animal summons, unfortunately.

This, of course, had the predictable effect of riling up Louise – "How dare you! A commoner should feel _lucky_ to have a noble stoop so low for them!" – followed by the first kissing attempt, which was quickly dodged by the mystery man – "I must not! As a man – as a man, I must protect the chastity of every budding female I meet until they bloom into dazzling ladies!" – which was, of course, taken badly as only a person who's had one too many things go wrong for them in one day could take – "I'm _seventeen_!"

The man did a double-take. "Huh!? Really!?"

"Yes! Now sit still and let me kiss you!"

"I – I can't!" the man cried, appearing heavily conflicted as he fell to his knees and pounded the ground in frustration. "I mean, I can, but I don't want to! I mean, I want to, but kissing – I mean, you look too – _argh_!" He then pinched his nosed fiercely.

Unfortunately, Louise seemed to have taken the gesture the wrong way. "_I do not smell_!" she raged, before realizing the man had stopped dodging and grabbed him. "PentagonoftheFiveElementalPowers blessthishumblebeingandmakehimmyfamiliar _Now get your face over here_!"

She jabbed the wand at his forehead, then grabbed his hand, jerked it off his face, and yanked his face closer to hers. It was then that she learned the real reason the man was pinching his nose, in the form of a line-class water spell's worth of fluid – or to be precise, nose blood – splattering onto her face.

Her other hand twitched, almost causing even the extra-bendy wand she possessed to snap.

"Okay, change of plans. Sit still and _let me kill you_!"

"Well," Colbert finally managed, "this is a distressing situation."

"I know, right?" Kirche agreed. "Our period's over, but the next class still hasn't arrived yet!"


	6. The Summons VI

"Do it!"

"I cannot!"

"Do it!"

"I cannot!"

"_Do it_!"

"I cannot!" the man cried, dodging yet another of Louise's attempt to dive forward and drive her lips into his. It was already nighttime; they've been at it _that_ long. Everyone else had already left, aside from Colbert, who was probably only there out of professional commitment – either that, or pity. Louise despised both reasons with equal contempt. She'd summoned a familiar, hadn't she? Didn't it mean she _was_ a legitimate mage? A real mage didn't need extra help or – or pity or – if only he – if only Colbert gave her just a few more minutes to _seal the damn contract_ –

And if only her familiar would _just stay still_ –

"_Sit_, dog!" Louise screeched, jabbing a finger at the man in the tuxedo. "No food for you for a week – sleep on the ground outside – kick you in the –"

And just to try to catch him off guard, Louise interrupted her own rant to leap forward.

It didn't work. The man swiveled out of the way, holding onto both his nose and a seemingly suffering expression all the while. "I cannot!" he cried again. "It pains me, it truly does! An attractive young lady showing me this much attention – showering me with love – offering to kick me – I mean, kiss me – I feel if I died right now, I can go to heaven in peace! But I must hold onto my man's pride! A man – loves ladies! A man – cannot kiss little girls!"

"_I'm not a little girl_!" Louise screamed. "That's it, fifty lashes! Toilet cleaning duty! And if you don't listen to me _right now_, I'll make you do even worse, so sit, sit sitsitsitsit –"

And then, to reasons quite unknown even to her, Louise burst into tears.

"Ah!" The man managed to catch her as Louise sank to her knees. "Uh, um – L-Louise-chan?"

"Why is this happening to _me_?!" Louise burst out. "_Why_?! Today was supposed to be my best day ever. I would summon a familiar and prove I was a proper mage! I would show that damn von Zerbst I got a better familiar than her! Instead I get a shady commoner who's more hairy than a troll and smells like one too! It can't even dress right!" She beat a fist on the man's chest just to prove her point, and one of his tuxedo's buttons almost apologetically snapped off right there. "See? And to make things worse, I _still_ can't control it! It won't listen to me! It has more pride than me! And even though I offered it...I offered it...my first kiss..."

Louise choked back a sob. "Am I...really going to be a Zero forever...?"

There was a lull for a moment. Then –

"Louise-chan," the man said suddenly.

The girl rubbed her eyes quickly, spitefully, knowing she was making a pathetic scene but not being able to help it. "S-shut up. Go away. Get out of my sight –"

"Louise-chan!" With surprising force, the man grasped Louise's arm and brought it away, startling her into looking up – directly into the man's earnest, honest eyes. "Listen. I'm really sorry I can't fulfill your wish. I made a vow to myself, a long time ago, that I would be a man to love all ladies –"

"Yeah," Louise said bitterly, "yeah, I know, I'm _so_ sorry I can't be a real lady –"

"You _can_ be!" the man burst out, making Louise start in surprise. "You're a beautiful girl right now, Louise-chan. I can't kiss you now because of your age, but I would love to once you grow up to be a knockout babe, like I know you will." Then the man admonished himself, shaking his head quickly. "No, you won't _just_ grow up to be a lady – I'll groom you myself! I won't stop until you're the Queen of this school!

"But I want you to know this, Louise-chan. When the time comes that you become the dame of dames – when we reach that point when I submit myself to your kiss – it won't be because of this so-called 'Summoning Ritual' that we're doing it. I will kiss you because _you_ will be a gorgeous and lovely woman, and for no other reason.

"You're _not_ a zero, Louise-chan. And if you think otherwise, then I'll just keep adding tens, or hundreds, or thousands to your tally until it's beyond a shred of doubt."

Louise really shouldn't have believed him. Wasn't he a commoner, for Brimir's sake? How would he ever coach a noble without making a fool out of himself? And his suggestion to raise her from a zero was ludicrous, at best. If it had been that easy, wouldn't Headmaster Osmond or Professor Colbert have fixed her magic already? She wouldn't have been in this situation to begin with, would she? Honestly, she should have admonished him, ridiculed him, penalized him for suggesting such utter nonsense.

"Really?" Louise asked in a quiet, tear-stricken voice.

The man smiled, and laid a hand gently over hers. "Really," he confirmed.

And that night, under the two moons, was the first time that Louise the Zero felt like everything was going to be all right.

...Except –

"Miss Valliere, the Springtime Familiar Summoning ritual is a sacred art handed down from Founder Brimir himself –"

"**Baldie, shut that mouth up before I stuff your ass into it**."

"...I...shall see what Headmaster Osmond says..."


	7. The Name I

"Well...this is an odd situation." Old Osmond stroked his beard, looking thoughtful. "We've never had a familiar who refused to contract before, but it's also true we've never had a familiar who was sentient enough to do so."

Louise shuffled uncomfortably, and shot a sideways glare at her familiar, who still had not made himself presentable. She was already regretting this. Aside from the fact that she had, in effect and in a moment of utter delusion, agreed to having a commoner as a tutor...the promise of a kiss sounded far too close to an oath of love for her liking. What was Captain Wardes going to think?

"That being said, Miss Valliere, my main concern would be whether your familiar is still willing to serve under you –"

"Oh, yes, yes, I will!" the man said quickly. "Never fear! I will do everything in my power to keep my lovely Master safe and well!"

Well, at least he had the submissive attitude right.

"In that case, I see no problems!" Osmond replied, beaming. "Very well Miss Valliere, you may keep this commoner as your familiar. Now, if you may introduce him...?"

And in that moment, Louise added one more instance of _faux pas _into her already terrible night as she realized she had completely failed to do the obvious:

Ask for her familiar's name.


	8. The Name II

_**A/N: Okay, I'm getting desperate. People, the next time I put myself on an extended hiatus, please, by all means, flame my inbox with as many anonymous reviews telling me to get my butt in gear as possible.**_

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Louise had pride. Okay, a little slip-up like forgetting to ask for someone's name probably wasn't worth making a big deal out of, but she had _pride_. She wasn't going to let anyone take any chance to in any way humiliate any of her blunders.

The problem was _how_.

Two seconds later, she got it. Of course! She just had to order her familiar to introduce itself! Then no one would notice she never got its name in the first place –

"Miss Valliere?" Colbert hesitantly asked. "You _did_ ask for your familiar's name, right?"

Dammit, she took too long!

Louise was getting cornered, and she knew it. She couldn't blow off Colbert's question, or else they'd suspect – which was almost as bad as actually knowing! If she couldn't sidestep the issue, then she had to give a reason for withholding her familiar's name – but how –

_'Aha!'_

Louise crossed her arms. "I-I refuse! My –" _'He called himself a servant, right?'_ – "Servant is a u-unique and quite p-powerful –" _'Well, he dodged _me_ for several hours, at least'_ – "familiar; I hesitate to reveal even his name in fear that should an enemy of the Vallieres learn it, my Servant's effectiveness would be compromised!" _'And knowing that woman-pleaser...'_

"Well said, Louise-chan!" the man in question cried, thus cementing her (somewhat forced) claim.

Osmond raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?" he asked. Now, all he had to do was take advantage of her loophole, ask her Servant himself, and when he answered, she'd get both his name and an excuse to take her frustrations out administering his punishment –

Unfortunately, Osmond did the worst thing possible at the moment.

He called her bluff.

"If that's the case, then goodnight to you, Miss Valliere, Miss Valliere's Servant. Tomorrow there are no classes, so take your time getting to know each other properly."

Dammit.


	9. The Night I

_**A/N: Huh. Someone actually took up my offer. Thanks to anon Guest, I guess?  
**_

* * *

"Argh!"

Okay, so it was even more official than official. Today was the worst day ever in Louise's life. She furiously stomped into her room, not even checking to see whether her was following, all the while ranting to herself.

_'Why oh why oh WHY didn't I ask for his name as soon as he was summoned?! Just one moment out of my time, and then I wouldn't be in this suffering in the first place! Can I do it now? If I just ordered him to tell me his name now – but then, how would I know whether he'd go blabbering about it as soon as I'm out of earshot? He was smitten enough by that von Zerbst to do that! But then how else am I going to get his name?!'_

Still, this day wasn't a total loss. At least she _summoned_ a familiar to begin with...even if he isn't exactly her familiar at the moment. Now that she thought about it, was that why, back in the office, she had felt somewhat reluctant to call him her familiar?

...Well, either that, or "servant" just felt one tier higher from "familiar". Somehow.

Louise sighed. She'd sort out her feelings another time. Right now, she was getting sleepy.

She started stripping off her clothes one by one; mantle, blouse, skirt, stockings, camisole... As she did so, she called back over her shoulder, "Servant, wash these clothes for me by tomorrow –"

She turned around to to look at her servant, and abruptly realized there was a large pool of blood dripping from his nose while his eyes were unfocused, seemingly about to faint.

"...On second thought, just clean yourself first."


	10. The Night II

Tabitha was getting used to riding Sylphid, a Rhyme Dragon and her familiar. That was when she saw him.

At the top of the Academy was the man she had seen before – Louise Valliere's familiar. She didn't know why he was up there, but he was a curious enough phenomenon in itself and merited observation. As far as she knew, there had never been a familiar that was a commoner before. The summoning spell only produced familiars that suited its summoner, so what did that say about this man and Louise?

Not to mention the man's fighting ability. At first she had thought that the familiar was an assassin, judging from the soft steps he took, but later on Tabitha realized that that wasn't because of consciously trying to remain silent – it was from absolute control of every muscle in his lower body. A kick from them might even shatter stone walls. Those legs must be ripped, chiseled to perfection.

...That came out a little wrong.

In any case, it was with these thoughts that Tabitha kept an eye out at him with an air lens spell while she practiced dragon-riding. She did not expect the man to wave at her, however, since she thought she was too far for that. That was some monstrous eyesight. Perhaps the man was some kind of magical creature after all. Hesitantly, she brought her mount around and raised her staff to wave back.

Then the man spat blood from his mouth, and he collapsed – straight over the roof of the academy, plummeting eight stories.

"_Dive_."

Sylphid didn't need telling twice. Wind roared into her ears as Tabitha hung on for dear life, approaching the falling man with respectable speed (please be enough, _please be enough_) but heading toward the unforgiving ground all the more faster. Gritting her teeth, she brought ahead her staff, pointed at the man, and forced out the words to an invocation.

Levitation was cast in the nick of time; in fact, it had been so close that the man's momentum was enough to still hit the ground and bounce off high into the air, though at least without seeming to harm him. Tabitha pulled herself out of the dive as she caught him at the apex of his bounce. She didn't stop, urging Sylphid to ascend higher as her eyes scanned the vicinity.

Had an assassin snuck up on them? Tabitha didn't know, and it worried her. It either meant an attacker so skilled he had passed by _her_ unnoticed...or an attacker whose attack could reach the man from even beyond her elevated line of sight. She didn't know which was worse.

Then the man groaned, signalling he was still alive. "Fine?" Tabitha asked him tersely, giving him a quick scan...but then realized something. She thought he had coughed up blood, but the patterns of red on him suggested otherwise. Had it come from his nose instead?

It was then that the man weakly moaned, "Blue...polka...dots..."

Tabitha frowned. Blue Polka Dots? She didn't know anyone with a runic name by that title. Actually, blue polka dots didn't ring any bell at all, except –

...

Tabitha very carefully tucked down the flap of her skirt that had been raised by her earlier turn.

Then she dropped the man right where he was, ten mels from the ground, and wheeled around to leave.

She had enough training for one day.


	11. The Night III

It was just before sunrise that Sanji awakened with a groan, distinctly feeling as if he had been dealt two KO blows in a row... Either that, or the strange sense that he had been to Heaven more times than a mere mortals should be allowed.

In any case, the cook shook himself off and started getting oriented. He couldn't immediately recall what had happened to him, but as he looked around recent memories started making their way back. The grassy plain, that was where he had escaped those _okama_ trying to get into his pants. The castle walls – yes, he remembered seeing them, and he remembered they were called something like "Tristainian Academy of Magic". The totally hot maid babe approaching him didn't ring any bells with him yet, but –

Wait. Totally hot maid babe.

Target locked! Running scan – beauty rated at over six thousand, seven thousand...no, over nine thousand! And it was still increasing! Significant offensive capabilities identified – Maid outfit! Adorable face! Large assets! And that voice –

"Excuse me sir, but do you need some assistance?"

Hot! Totally hot!

"My lady, how could I ever trouble you so?" Sanji cried. "This unworthy me is undeserving of your kindness! How can I call myself a man if I forced upon a fair lady my own troubles?" His face twisted in pain as something distasteful occurred to him. "Yet, at the same time, I owe you a disservice by presenting my unclean self before you... Forgive me! If my pitiful self invites ridicule from this fair maiden...I solemnly accept it! But if this fair maiden, from the depths of her heart, holds out feed blessed with empathy...I also gratefully accept!"

The maid stared at him for a moment. "Um...I'll take that as a yes."


	12. The Kitchen I

Siesta really had no idea what to think of the man. On one hand, he seemed nice and polite enough. On the other, he was pretty over-the-top with the compliments. She couldn't decide whether he was being genuine or trying to butter her up, so she did what she did best; she gave a cheerful smile and served the best she could, in this case giving him a small dagger to let himself shave.

"Really," Siesta muttered to herself after having led the man to a washroom, "how in the world did he end up so disheveled? It's like he was being chased by Uncle Scarron across the entirety of Tristain, or something..." She then cleared her throat and called out, "Excuse me, sir? Do you need some assistance?" She did remember to give him towels, right?

There was no indication he had heard except for the faucet stopping and some footsteps.

"Ah, are you done then? In that case –"

Whatever she was about to say died in her throat as she came face-to-face with the handsomest face she had ever seen in her life.

"My lady, I apologize for the wait!" the man proclaimed, kneeling down and lightly kissing the back of Siesta's hand. "I am known as Sanji...and you, I presume, must be Miss Beautiful."

"I – um –" Siesta stammered, before settling on, "huh?"

"No need to be shy, my lady!" the man now known as "Sanji" assured her. "As a man, it is paramount for me to guarantee that stunning women are given the undivided attention they deserve! Please, I must return the favour you have shown me. I beseech you – ask anything of me! I shall complete it no matter the cost!"

"Well – no –" Siesta managed, admittedly breathless. "Just – kitchen – need –"

What she was _trying_ to say was that she needed to return and help out in the kitchen soon. Sanji came close. "Are you famished, my dear? Worry not! Simply point me to the way of the kitchen, and I shall provide the finest cuisine one can offer!"

And that was how Siesta managed to find herself sitting in a chair and by a tea table, both of which Sanji had appropriated from somewhere, while the man himself strode into the kitchen and declared, "I need to borrow this kitchen! This lovely lady requires food!"

Siesta saw the head cook poke his head out. "Well, if it isn't Siesta! Found yourself a man, have ya? Don't worry, I'll whip something up for you real soon!"

By this point Siesta was only starting to get her thoughts organized. Handsome man. Well-defined face. A mysterious, foreign name – "Sanji". Smooth skin. And his lovely, sophisticated voice, that sounded like –

"Shut up, old fart. No way I'm feeding Siesta-chan the crap you'd make."

...Wat.


	13. The Kitchen II

"Oi geezer, move that fatty body of yours out of the way! Are you _trying_ to trip me and ruin Siesta-chan's breakfast?"

"..."

"..."

"Goddamn – move out of the entrance way, bastard! If even one whiff of your bad breathes touches Siesta-chan's meal, I will personally kick you to hell!"

"..."

"..."

So it had gone for a few minutes. The head cook had gone very pale, his eyes unfocused and dejected, as his lips eternally mouthed, "My food is crap...? My food is crap...?" Siesta, for her part, wasn't sure whether interjecting was a good idea. She wanted to come to the head cook's defense, but truth be told she didn't want to subject Mr. Sanji to his wrath if he resuscitated from his depressed state – the head chef's displays of fury, while rare, were terrible in might.

And thus, she was stuck in an eternal dilemma.

"Which idiot's idea was it to leave the knives out like this, huh!? If someone knocked over the board these things could fly across the kitchen!"

Oh, this one she should interject. "Ah – I'm so sorry, that was me! Earlier I was in a hurry –"

Then he went and did a complete one-eighty. "Don't worry about it, Siesta-chan~ I'll fix it right up, so there's no problem!"

"..." And so Siesta was again at a loss for what to do.


	14. The Kitchen III

_**A/N: A few chapters ago I used "mels" as a unit of measurement, believing that was the norm in ZnT. It was only later that I realized Baka-Tsuki actually used "mels" in SAO, and used "mails" in ZnT instead. (I think my confusion stemmed from TriggerHappy's "Halkeginia Online", the SAOxZnT crossover.)**_

_**As far as I know, though, they're both メル in Japanese. I don't suppose someone can point me in the right direction, please?**_

* * *

"For Pete's sake, pudgy, pay better attention to your cooking! It's so sloppy, anyone can tell it's a rush job!'

The head cook finally let out a twitch, his first action in about ten minutes. Fine. Fine, he could agree! He let his belly sag. He had bad breath. He was still a little afraid of fire (despite cooking for this long), one of his toes really had been lopped off (unfortunate bandit encounter encounter a few years back), he was balding more than he cared to admit, and sure, he wasn't the tallest of people around! But by Brimir's left buttock, the head cook drew the line at insulting his food. Was he not the _chef de cuisine_ of Tristain's Academy of Magic, appointed by Headmaster Osmond who in turn had been empowered by the late King Henry himself? To think that this...this...this upstart newcomer had the galls to order him around in his own kitchen was –

"Preposterous!" the head chef cried, pointing more dramatically than strictly necessary at the man in black. "You _dare_ to denigrate my cuisine? Besmirch _me_, the head chef of this entire Academy? I have never been more insulted in my life! Don't you think you can get away with this!"

The other man scowled. "Oh? And what are _you_ going to do about it, you crappy chef?"

Admittedly, the head chef should've seen the warning signs when he noticed Siesta absolutely shoveling her plate into her mouth, something she had never done before to his own cooking, but then that last comment pushed him beyond all rationale.

"_I challenge you to a cooking match!_"


	15. The Kitchen IV

Siesta was officially in heaven.

She bit into the last of her sausages and moaned in delight. The Albion-style breakfast practically exploded with flavour. Where in the world did Mr. Sanji get the sauce? It felt like something harvested from soil holier than than the Pope himself, nurtured its entire life by a choir of angels before being ground to fine powder that was magically transformed into liquid form...

Behind her, she vaguely heard:

"W-what?! The legendary four-slash deboning strike?! How is something like that possible?!"

"Hahahaha! The crappy geezer taught me this so long ago I almost thought I forgot it! Guess it's a good thing to practice every once in a while!"

Siesta _shuddered_ in pleasure when she scooped some scrambled eggs into her mouth. It tasted so euphoric it couldn't possibly be just eggs in there, which was completely untrue, since Siesta had seen Mr. Sanji use only eggs for this particular dish, which was also untrue, because it tasted too good for that. (It was a testament to her befuddlement that this somehow made sense in her mind.) God, it felt like this one meal was something that would sell for an entire country's treasury.

"Ugh! Four pots at once is my limit... How could you possibly be able to maintain twenty at once?!"

"Hmph! For _you_, four pots is already pushing it! There's not point in multitasking if you can't fill each dish with the maximum amount of care it can take!"

"I...I'm not done yet!"

That's it! Mr. Sanji should open up his own restaurant! With his skills, he'd earn lots of money in no time! Then he wouldn't have to work under those horrible nobles, and probably have some servants of his own instead! He'd need them to operate a restaurant. Siesta herself could offer to help, too! She could just see it now; her working as the waitress, welcoming customers and setting tables, Mr. Sanji being her kind, handsome, manager, co-worker, tutor, helper, partner...

Siesta took a sip from some drink she was currently too addled to identify, and sighed in pleasure. Heaven.


	16. The Kitchen V

It probably didn't even need to be said, but the head cook was losing pretty badly.

"Damn it crappy chef, stop wasting materials!" said the man in black currently embellishing salad wraps with fishbone toothpicks.

Or: "Why the hell are you pumping the fries with fat, you crappy chef? You have _ovens_ to _bake_ them with, use them!"

Or: "This is the damn basics! Gourmet meals have both hot _and_ cold foods! Variety is what makes food appealing! You can't just put everything over a stove!"

By this point, all the other cooks had gathered and was watching with mouths agape. The head chef felt his embarassment rising - it'd be one thing to lose in a private duel, but being humiliated in front of all his employees was another thing entirely!

"Fine!" he finally snapped, red-faced and quite furious. "Fine! You're a faster cook than me! I can admit that! But cooking is all about _taste_, young man! I propose we finish this duel with a competition of _taste_!"

"Oh? Then who'll be the judge?"

The head chef pointed at the girl who just finished her breakfast. "Siesta will!" he declared. Then he said quite loudly, "I stake my position as _chef de cuisine_ of Tristain's Academy of Magic on this competition!"

His logic was simple, albeit backhanded. Siesta knew that his position as head chef meant everything to him. And by designating the judge to be the person who practically considered him a second father, the head chef was quite confident that he'd get the backing he needed.

Yeah. Um.

The taste test ended with Siesta positively _glomping_ the man in black, squealing "Open a restaurant with me!"

Voices clamored, the head chef hung up his hat in dejection, and Sanji nearly fainted as he was once again wrapped in a soft embrace. "A...a restaurant...? With...with Siesta-chan...?"

"Yes, a restaurant!" Siesta chattered, equally delirious. "It'll be the best in all of Halkeginia! It'll be the kingdom's pride and joy! And..." With a rather dreamy sigh, Siesta finished, "And it'll be our little nest..."

The kitchen's din got even noisier after that.


	17. The Morning I

"Funyaaaa..."

Louise really wasn't a morning person. It took five gentle shakes, several faraway calls of "Louise-chan, it's time for breakfast!" and one instance of snuggling up to a hand nearby just like she used to do with her sister Cattleya before her eyes slowly started opening, giving a very sleep-addled gaze at the man beaming above her.

"Oh, it's just some man," Louise mumbled drowsily, and then closed her eyes to go back to sleep –

Then she did a double-take. "Wait, who are you!?"

"Don't you remember, Louise-chan? I'm your new familiar!"

"Uuh," Louise intelligently replied before the relevant memories got through the fogginess in her mind and presented themselves. "Oh, yes, right, right. My familiar. Phew, for a moment –"

Then she did a triple-take. This time she nearly leaped out of her skin, crawling back to the very far edge of bed as she blabbered, "W-wait a – Who are _you_!?"

"Oh, Louise-chan! To be forgotten so quickly tears at my heart! But your absentmindedness is a part of your charm too!"

"Absent – but what – you're not –" Louise sputtered, before trying, "Y-you, you said you're my familiar?"

"Of course!"

"Then where's your _facial hair_!?" This guy was styled totally differently!

The man looked hurt. "Do I look that bad?"

"No no, you look very handsome!" Louise blurted before her brain had a chance to catch up. "It's just, you look so – different –"

"Well, after a good shave, I would hope that I look pleasing enough for you!" Her Servant beamed. "I'm still your same loyal familiar though, so if that's what you're worried about, don't worry!"

Now that she had a good look, Louise did indeed see that he was wearing the same clothes as the day before (though relatively cleaner and tidier), and his face looked about the same as the familiar she summoned would, if shaven. But the impression he gave was so different that Louise still had a hard time believing it was the same man.

...Well, unless –

"In that case...dress me," Louise ordered, and then reached for her nightgown.

The man was down and out within half a second.

Oh yeah, it was the same man.


	18. The Morning II

Louise's good mood ran out the moment she stepped outside and encountered Kirche.

"Good morning, Zero!" she greeted, beaming. "How's your familiar? I hope you haven't kept him up all night?"

"Kirche!" Louise gasped, her face flooding with red. "Of all the lecherous, debauched – How dare you insinuate anything less than proper went between me and my familiar –"

The redhead gave her an amused but knowing look. "Actually, I only meant to ask whether you finished the Contracting Spell with him yet."

Louise flushed.

"But since that's what first crossed your mind, maybe something did happen –?"

"No it didn't!" the pinkhead shrieked. "It was _your _fault I had those thoughts in my head in the first place, you – you – you over-plump Germanian!"

Before the Zerbst could retort, Louise's familiar hurried out from the room, having finished wiping blood off his face. "Ladies, ladies! Please, it pains me to see you both at odds –"

This was as far as he got before von Zerbst gave a little squeal of joy and leapt at him, enveloping him in a bear hug. "It's you! Oh, it's you! And you looks so _handsome_ now, darling! What kind of magic did you use?"

"H-hands off my Servant!"

Of course, Kirche ignored this. "All last night," the girl crooned, stroking the blond hair of the currently hyperventilating familiar, "I simply couldn't stop thinking about you! Everyone said you were a commoner, but somehow I thought, that couldn't be it, there must be more. You were so MYSTERIOUS, see; the wounds of battle you carried, your proud countenance, and the incredible agility you displayed..."

Louise was about to interject but then was surprised to find that, when she thought about it, Kirche was right. "Wounds of battle" seemed somewhat exaggerated, but he did sound overwhelming when speaking to Professor Colbert, and he moved on his feet so quickly...

"I was up all night wondering, just wondering what other mysteries you hid behind those eyes of yours," Kirche confessed. "And before I knew it...I realized, I fell in love with you!"

Louise's pondering ground to a halt. The first thing her mouth saw fit to say was, "You don't even know his _name_ and you _fell_ in _love _with him?!"

The redhead shot her a sideways glance. "Love overcomes all barriers!" she declared.

Louise heavily doubted it applied here. She also mentally cursed – that buxom Germainian didn't take the bait to ask the man for his name when she wanted her to!

"Well, what do you say?" von Zerbst prodded, and then puckered her lips. "Kiss me?"

The pinkhead let loose a strangled, wordless shriek, but before she actually took action her familiar, surprisingly still conscious, pushed Kirche gently away. "Miss von Zerbst," he ground out, "I am honoured beyond words that you saw fit to offer me this chance! Were the circumstances any different, I would have taken you up on your offer! However, it pains me to say –" and it apparently did pain him to say, for with each word he uttered his body jerked spastically like he was getting stabbed – "that for one reason, and one reason only, I cannot! And that reason is...my lips have already been obligated to another!"

Louise, despite herself, couldn't help but feel touched by the display of loyalty. Then her thoughts turned suspicious. "Wait. What's this about 'the _only_ reason I cannot'? What happened to your age limit?"

"I don't care," Kirche said firmly.

"I am truly sorry! My code does not allow me to go back on my word to a woman!"

Louise thought Kirche was going to argue further, but she only studied the man for a moment before she smiled. "Alright," she said graciously. "I can see this is important to you. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up. After all, the hardest catches are the sweetest to savour. Right, Tabitha?"

It was only then that the pinkhead noticed the Germainian's reticent friend a little further away, reading a book as always. Her Servant's face brightened. "Ah! Noble dragonrider! How do you fare today?"

Tabitha gave him a look, and Louise got the distinct feeling that it was somehow a little colder than the ones she usually gave. Then she abruptly turned and left.

"So you already met," Kirche said softly, almost to herself. Then she turned back to Louise's familiar with a grin. "So be it. I'm so glad I saw you today, darling! I'll catch you later!" She blew the man a saucy kiss and then hurried after her friend.

The familiar looked on with a proud gaze until they turned a corner, and then he sagged. "Two girls. I had to turn away two girls in one day. Oh, what misfortune..."

"Nevermind that," Louise said impatiently, "what happened to your age limit, huh?! Kirche's only seventeen!"

Her familiar posed theatrically. "That may be so. However, Miss von Zerbst is, undeniably, a true lady. And true ladies – are ageless!"

Something inside Louise snapped.

"Oh, yes that's right," she said sweetly but dangerously, raising her wand, "I entirely forgot that the reason you hadn't kissed me was because I'm not a _true lady, wasn't it_?"

The man beamed. "Not yet, but you'll definitely grow into one!"

Quite suddenly, Louise's anger evaporated. "Huh – I – uh, of course!" She laughed nervously. "W-with you helping me, I'll grow into a true lady in no time!"

"That's the spirit!" Then the man frowned. "I'm a little worried about your 'magic', though. I don't know anything about it, so I might not be able to help as much as I like there... How well are you at it currently?"

She considered for a moment telling him the truth: that her magic was abysmal, and that that was the reason behind the nickname Kirche had called her earlier, the "Zero".

Then she smashed her head against a wall.

"I shouldn't do it – I mean, I should, but I can't – I mean, I can, but – AARGH!"


	19. The Morning III

Louise was in a foul mood by the time she trooped to the Alviss Dining Hall, one of the reasons being the splitting headache she was currently trying to rub out. Her day turned worse the moment she inevitably ran into one particular maid, who had been pushing a trolley of tea refreshments into the hall before catching sight of Louise's familiar and blanching.

"Ah – you – you're –!"

"Oh! Siesta-chan!"

Louise tried her utmost not to get an aneurysm, but, _seriously_?! _Another_ girl?! He's as bad as Guiche!

The maid – Siesta was her name, apparently – looked between him and Louise frantically with something akin to fear, then suddenly bowed deeply at the noble. "I'm so sorry!"

"Wait, what?" Louise said, not having expected this turn of events.

"I apologize! I was – I wasn't thinking properly at the time, that is my only excuse for what happened before – but please, I didn't mean to offend you or – or to steal anyone from you –"

"Siesta-chan," the Servant said gently, holding the maid's hand – and, whoops, suddenly Louise's blood pressure just shot up again. "I told you, it's not your fault. If anything, it's my sin to have turned down a lovely girl such as yourself. Please, do me a great favour, and think no more of it."

Siesta stared at the man's face looking like a lost kitten, and then she started sniffling. "Ooh...you're too nice for your own good, sir...waaaah!" And just as suddenly, the maid fled from the hall. Louise swore that she could hear phrases like "I wanted that man!", "Our little nest!" and "White picket fence!" somewhere amidst the loud wails.

The familiar sighed. "Oh, what shame... And she was such a cutie – urgh!?"

This last bit was because Louise had coldly and ruthlessly shoved an elbow into his side, and now the man was down on the ground, writhing in agony as Louise _hmph_ed. "Now who was _that_ peasant girl supposed to be?"

"Oh, Louise-chan, you're so cute when you're jealous..." A kick to his other side later, the man explained, "Siesta-chan's a maid who found me out on the fields and helped me clean myself up. As a thanks, I served her a gourmet breakfast, and then after that she – " The man giggled here, a bit creepily – "she asked me to marry her!"

Louise refrained from kicking his face, if only to learn the full circumstance of his confession. "And let me guess. You told her that you were already previously engaged with me?" Dear Brimir, Kirche must really be corrupting her if she could say that double entendre with a sweet (not really) smile.

"Actually," the man said, smiling sheepishly, "I told her that I can't commit to her because I have my _nakama_ waiting for me."

Louise blinked, not comprehending the foreign-sounding word. "Your what?"

"_Nakama_," the servant repeated. "Comrade."

Louise opened her mouth. Then closed it. Then she opened it again and, suddenly realizing the potential implications behind it, said in a small voice, "Oh."

The man laid on the ground, looking up at the ceiling with a serious face. "I guess I should've told you this sooner, Louise-chan, but I have a time limit. Just three months ago, there was this enemy that appeared and tore me and my crew apart, sending us into different islands heavily wounded. And then our captain's brother was executed right in front of him... Later, though, he managed to contact us, and we set up an agreement." He raised his hand to the air and clenched it. "Two years. We have to get stronger, way stronger, in two years' time. Strong enough to beat the monster that beat us first. And then we have to meet back at the place where we were defeated, and only then, can we set sail to the New World! Our pride...won't allow anything less!"

The man finally sat up, and smiled at the girl. "Don't worry, though. Once I make a promise to a lady, I keep my word. We still have almost two years, so you'll be sure to become a gorgeous lady by then. And this place doesn't look like a half bad place to train, either. So, don't worry – okay, Louise-chan?"

Louise nodded quietly, suitably humbled. She never expected that this person would have such a heavy history behind him. She even emphasized with him, relating his story to her continual failures in magic, the hours she put into theoretical exercises to make up for the lack of practical capability. He was, she realized, a person just like her.

And that made her all the more ashamed that she couldn't do something as simple as asking for his name, when he first appeared.


	20. The Bronze I

Guiche's morning really could've gone better.

He didn't regret wooing that first-year girl, Katie, at all. Nope, not at all! But women's intuition, as he soon found out, was _scary_. One step into his room, and his beloved Montmorency was suddenly on her guard.

"Your room's too clean," she said suspiciously.

Guiche gave a nervous laugh. "What are you talking about, my dear? Of course it's clean. Have you known me, Guiche de Gramont, to be anything less than pristine?"

"But you're not usually _this_ clean," she replied.

She could not prove anything, however, so that was how they made their way to the mess hall, with Montmorency still suspicious and Guiche still pleading his innocence. He was just in the middle of using one of his best lines ("I cannot tell lies in front of your eyes") when Guiche saw something that stopped him cold.

_His_ Katie, being served food by a blond-haired servant, and _blushing_ as said servant rained compliments down on her.

"What is it?" Montmorency asked.

Guiche shook his head, sat down, plucked a muffin from its basket, and bit into it more pointedly then he usually would have. (_'Huh, the food tastes better than usual...'_) All throughout, he kept his eyes on the unlikely pair from before, growing more and more grumpy as he watched them interact in obvious cheer.

"Fine, be that way!" his girlfriend snapped, taking a seat as far away from him as she could (while still on the same table).

Of course, this was where he kicked himself mentally and turned to his beloved, ready to shower apologies and attention to her.

"Does my lady need assistance?" said the blond-haired servant, taking a startled Montmorency's hand and beaming.

Whoa! Where did _he_ come from?

"W-what?" the girl said, caught off-guard. "Oh, t-there's no need. It's of no trouble to me –"

"But it will trouble _me _so," the servant said gently, placing a dish in front of her and quickly piling foodstuffs on it, "if I am restricted from serving such a lovely dame! Here, a meal optimized for nutrition and taste. I hope you've nothing that you're averse to?"

Naturally, Guiche wasn't about to let this _plebeian_ sully his Montmorency. "What silliness have you here?" he drawled, reaching for a sandwich on her plate –

Only to get his hand slapped away brusquely with a "Keep your dirty paws to yourself, you crappy mutt!"

Guiche was so stunned he just sat there gaping as the man turned back to an equally stunned Montmorency and started complimenting her, all smiles and cheer again. In fact, he did not react until Louise the Zero marched over to their table.

"Servant!" she screeched, "I told you when you went to those third-years to _stop hitting on every woman you meet_! Your actions reflect –"

Guiche suddenly placed the commoner, and interrupted. "Oh, what's this?" Guiche said snidely, and running on vengeance and not much of anything else. "On top of being a short, flat-chested _Zero_, you can't even control your own familiar? What kind of noble are _you_ supposed to be, Valliere?"

Louise flinched as if struck, and Guiche mentally congratulated himself for putting one above her again. He even managed to remain merciful enough not to outright duel and execute the foolish commoner too!

And it was because he was so absorbed in his own thoughts that Guiche, on that moment, missed the look of dark _fury_ that flashed across said commoner's face.


	21. The Bronze II

Nobody really notices Tabitha. Despite being the top mage in her year – and, perhaps, one of _the_ best mages to attend Tristain's Academy of Magic – her short stature, her quiet nature, and the way she secluded herself under shadows of trees or corner of rooms, they all added up to a presence that very few would ever notice if she wasn't announced. Kirche was one of the exceptions, and today even she was distracted, ogling the blond-haired familiar that Louise had summoned.

Managing the prodigious feat of keeping an eye on her book, her meal, Kirche, and the object of the Germainian's attention all at the same time, Tabitha murmured, "Guiche."

"Hm, my darling really does get around, doesn't he?" Kirche observed, and then licked her lips. "No matter. One way or another he'll be mine, and mine only in the end." Then she paused. "And speak of the devil..."

Tabitha didn't quite freeze, but the croissant she was nibbling was put down in favour of watching the familiar as he suddenly went over to Guiche's own girl, Montmorency, and tried to steal her right in front of him.

"That," Kirche said approvingly, "takes guts."

"Worried?"

"I'm not sure," the other girl said after a moment. "Ordinarily a commoner would be no match for a noble, but he did handle himself well yesterday. I'd say they're about even."

Tabitha considered the answer she was about to put forth. Kirche probably thought in a fight, the familiar would run around with his speed and avoid attacks to tire Guiche out. She probably didn't even dream that the commoner could attack a noble, let alone whether he was going to. On the other hand, the blue-haired girl knew for a fact that his display yesterday should be nowhere near what he was capable of, and that assuming the noble-commoner status quo would be upheld intrinsically could potentially get one a bullet wound in the back.

And then she was saved the trouble of answering when Louise finally marched over to that table, screeching. Most people were watching them by this point, and there were a few giggles as they watched the confrontation, no doubt salivating for drama of some kind.

They got it in spades when Guiche sneered, "Oh, what's this? On top of being a short, flat-chested _Zero_, you can't even control your own familiar? What kind of noble are _you_ supposed to be, Valliere?"

Appreciative snickers were her in the room. Louise looked as if she was struck. And the familiar –

From their angle, Kirche and Tabitha were one of the very few who got a good look at the familiar's face contort first into dark fury, and then something else. Tabitha was willing to bet that only the two of them could place what the second expression was.

"Oh," Kirche said, as she inevitably arrived at the same conclusion as Tabitha: the calm look of a battle-hardened combat veteran, perhaps an instant away from going all-out. "That's...not good. We should stop –"

"Hey, crappy mutt," they heard the familiar say in a low tone. "I heard what you said, and I can't ignore that. But you know what? I can be gracious. You have five seconds to prepare yourself before I move on to kicking your face in."

Guiche actually gaped at the familiar for a long moment. Then he burst into laughter. "Y-_you_!? Am I hearing this right? _You_, a _commoner_, is challenging me to a duel?" He chortled again, and then said, "Very well! Name the time and place!"

"Didn't you hear me?" the family softly replied. "Here. _Now_."

Tabitha grabbed her staff.

The resulting crash was louder than it had any right to be. The action that led up to it was probably a blur to anyone but Tabitha herself. Even she could barely catch everything, but she had succeeded in conjuring a wall of pure ice, thicker than a dictionary, in between the familiar and Guiche. That had taken two spell layers, one of water and one of wind; the last layer of water seeped the ice firmly into the floor and a part of the table proximate to the confrontation. It was a trick she knew she needed, lest the force simply tilt the ice wall over to crush Guiche underneath its weight.

So _of course_ the man's kick simply punched a hole through it.

In the end, Tabitha felt almost insulted that the man actually halted himself just short of Guiche's face, not because the wall stopped him but simply because someone attempted to intervene. This was not to say, however, that Guiche wasn't hurt. Before Tabitha's sharp eyes, the boy raised a trembling hand to his cheek and then brought it away.

Blood. His cheek must've been sliced by a shard of ice blasted out by the man's foot.

Guiche moaned in fright and staggered back, falling onto his butt and nearly taking a stunned Montmorency with him. The familiar shot him a contemptuous look before neatly chambering his leg and turning to the blue-haired girl with a fond smile on his face. "Tabitha-chan, right? Did you want me to stop? That –" he indicated to the ice wall – "that _was_ you, right?"

"Vestri Court," Tabitha found herself answering.

At the man's blink, Kirche smoothly covered for her. "Fights aren't allowed in the Dining Hall." This wasn't the whole truth. Duels between nobles technically weren't allowed at all, though there were no provisions for duels between a noble and a commoner. "Tabitha was only suggesting that you two move to the Court since it's the nearest open field." In addition, suggesting that a battlefield must be prepared also opened tangent of suggesting that the participants should be prepared as well, which allowed Guiche to bow out for the time being still alive and pride relatively intact. Kirche achieved this by saying, "But since Guiche's injured already, why don't you postpone the duel for a few days so that you can both fight at full strength?" What Guiche was going to do when the time was up, however, was his problem. Tabitha wasn't going to help further on a mess he got himself into. "Well? How about it, you two?" Kirche completed, beaming at them both with her usual, if lecherous, grin. Tabitha thought she detected a slight wariness to her, however, that wasn't there before – understandable after that display of raw strength the familiar had shown. On the other hand, she also thought Kirche's look at the familiar had gone up a notch in the genuine respect department.

"Anything you suggest, my lady," the familiar said with a bow.

But surprisingly, Guiche said, "No."

He's an idiot.

"Guiche!" Montmorency exclaimed, but the boy shook his head at her.

"I-I cannot back down now. I raised this issue, so on my title as a n-noble I am honour-bound to resolve this." Guiche looked at the familiar squarely, and added, "B-besides, there's no point in delaying the inevitable, is there?"

Stunned silence was all that could be heard in the room. Many students looked shaken, some on the verge of crying.

"Well," the familiar said, and Tabitha thought she could hear a faintly approving tone in his voice, "it looks like you've a little bit of a real man in you, after all. Lead the way, will you?"


	22. The Bronze III

The walk to Vestri Court was more like a funeral procession.

At front, Guiche, walking solemnly (and with copious amounts of trembling), shaking his head at Montmorency who was trying to talk him out of it. Behind them, the blond Servant, looking at ease and totally confident. Bringing up the rear was Louise and a good amount of the student body, morbidly curious, that had only grown as rumours spread of this duel and how the familiar already nearly kicked Guiche's head off. Louise herself only followed out of a sense of duty; while she didn't feel it was her place to tell Guiche to back down, lest she insult him further, she might be able to get away with ordering her Servant off once Guiche had been sufficiently beaten. At least, that's what she told herself.

As soon as they had arrived, Guiche turned, and held his rose wand. With a fearful look at the familiar, Montmorency allowed a few of the other girls to pull her away from Guiche. The rest of the audience formed a circle around the contestants, and Louise found herself at the front, with a clear view of what was about to happen.

For a moment, there was silence.

"My runic name is Guiche the Bronze," the noble finally said, voice sounding as if it was on the verge of breaking. "I declare that this duel has officially begun."

Seven petals fell from the wand and instantly sprung up as his signature Valkyries. Louise didn't know Guiche's maximum capacity, but seven was probably around it.

The familiar made a little dissatisfied sound. "Tch! Hiding behind girl lookalikes, crappy mutt? What a cowardly move!"

All seven rushed him at once. Everything converged in a mess of flailing fists and elbows, and there was a sudden _thwak!_ where the familiar reeled from a punch. A hopeful cry came from somewhere amidst a group of first-years; evidently, someone thought that the Servant wasn't as strong as first assumed, after all.

Guiche didn't make that mistake. He had summoned a sword and was already rushing forward, on the heels of his golems, when they suddenly all fell forward. Louise saw one get up to its knee and try to stand upright only to tilt on its stump of a leg and topple down again, on the other Valkyries and almost on Guiche, too. The Servant had destroyed their feet, Louise realized. In addition, since golems had limited mental capacity, they hadn't thought of crawling forward to attack. But when had the familiar done such a thing? And so quickly, too!

By all rights, Guiche had made the perfect tactical decision. His attack just as the Valkyries went down should've left no time for the Servant to recover himself, yet all the same, with a quick _clang!_ the sword was flying into the air, and suddenly Guiche had been hoisted up in the air, choking on the foot suspending him by the underside of the chin.

Game, set, match.

"Before I finish you off," the familiar said gravely, "I'll tell you what disgusts me the most about you. First, you _don't fucking hide behind ladies_. Not even _lookalikes_, do you hear? Men exist to defend the ladies! We are their servants! That stunt by itself is enough reason for me to kill you!

"Second, and more importantly, you went and insulted my cute Master! More specifically, my Master's breast size!" The familiar actually snarled here, and Guiche was pushed another inch higher – "That's full of crap! Smaller chests are just as good as big chests!"

...

...Huh?

"Believe me, I know! Even I once thought big racks were the quintessence of womanhood. But when she bared herself to me – _twice_ – I could finally understand what she wanted to say! That sight, of smooth, pale, light skin on her frame, simply imagining it – ugh..." The Servant swayed a little, and by this point it was plainly obvious he was bleeding through the nose.

"Y...you..." Louise's grip tightened, and her wand cracked ominously. "_THAT_'S WHAT YOU WERE MAD ABOUT!? NOT MY HONOUR OR – AND YOU WENT AND – I DON'T EVEN – _FIREBALL_!"

An explosion cracked through the grounds and the two unfortunate victims were flung apart. For a moment there was silence, then the Servant sat up suddenly. "Whoa, that was dangerous, I nearly lost by passing out there! Thanks Louise-chan!"

She didn't give him another chance to embarrass her. "_FIREBALL_!"

Thus the man also fainted, and the match was called a tie.


	23. The Sword I

A few days later, in a certain store of a certain district of a certain city in Tristain...

"I'm not very knowledgeable about swords, so please show me anything that is reasonable."

These were the words to which Derflinger, the 6,000 years old sword, suddenly woke up to. Being the rusted, aged relic he is, he hadn't had much in the way of entertainment in recent years. Really, he'd like nothing better than for fate to puck him up and finally give him to some fun guy. He seriously needed conversation with someone other than that foul-tempered shopkeeper.

It was with these thoughts in mind that he lazed turned (metaphysically) to the newest customer, and promptly did a spit-take (again, metaphysically).

The man was a... Well, he wasn't quite a man.

"W...what kind of sword are you looking for...?" the shopkeeper said warily, ogling the man(?) in a dress.

"Silly, silly! I said I'm not knowledgeable about swords, haven't I?" The strange man tittered. "But if you really insist, I must ask for the cheaper ones. I'm afraid I don't have much money on me."

Then the shopkeeper's eyes suddenly glinted, and Derflinger realized what he was about to do. The sword tried to shrink back.

The shopkeeper pointed at him anyway. "How about that old sword over there? Won't get anything cheaper than that!"

"TRAITOR!" Derflinger screamed, forgetting his effort to stay unnoticed.

"It talked!" the man(?) gasped, and then, "Oh, how lovely! I've always wanted a companion during lonely nights!"

Derflinger tried not to think about the implications of that.

"Sold for twenty gold!"

"Done!"

Money changed hands, rusted steel snuggled against manly torso, and Derflinger found himself speechless as the man(?) walked away femininely, dragging him further and further away from his previous heaven.

"TRAITOR!" he screamed again. Damn it fate, this wasn't what he asked for!


	24. The Days I

Louise could barely remember the days after the Guiche fiasco, passing by them in a blur. She knew she managed to get back into track of ordinary school life and spend time with her new familiar as well, something she was surprised to find herself enjoying despite his quirks. But so many things happened as a result of that the pinkette could sense her previous sense of the world crumbling away.

There were a few highlights, though, like the surprising fact that her Servant somehow managed to get himself the position of head chef in the Academy.

"So that's what he meant by 'serve'," Louise said in amazement, sampling dishes just slightly foreign and admittedly more succulent. "He's a cook!"

"Indeed, my darling is quite formidable! A charmer, a fighter, _and_ a cook! What next?"

Louise stared at the red-haired girl. "Why are _you_ here?"

Kirche pouted, and then popped what looked like a piece of sausage wrapped in bread into her mouth. "What? I can't come to woo my object of affection nor taste the fruits of his labours? Oh, darling, allow me to try some of those ribs!" On her other side, Tabitha sat quietly, nibbling on a lettuce leaf and reading a book, despite the rather grand salad the Servant had tossed in front of her.

Louise stared for another moment, then decided to drop it. "But how did he get that position?"

The person manning the open-air grill, who turned out to be the former head chef and now _Sous-Chef_, answered her. "Because he has shown me the error of my ways!" he declared proudly, rather dramatically holding up a fist and crying tears of redemption as he told his (heavily adapted) tale. "For a master such as he to grace our kitchen with his skills, of course there was nothing that I could have done but to bow my head and offer my position!"

"Ehhh..." said Louise, who knew that there were precedents for leaving a position granted by the Crown without the formal precedures. She decided not to say anything about that. "By the way, I didn't catch your name before?"

"In that case, you may call me –"

"The only name you need is Crappy Chef," the current Head Cooksaid cuttingly, and then got right back to lovingly feeding Kirche her food with his fork.

The saltiness of tears was tasted on the rest of the meats for that meal.


	25. The Days II

Then there was that day Louise realized her Servant was absolutely, totally, completely _whipped_.

"And that's what we're going to do for the Ball of Frigg!" Kirche finished.

Flame, Kirche's fire lizard, purred his approval. That, Louise way okay with. He was Kirche's familiar after all.

"Anything for you, my dear Kirche!" Louise's familiar cried. This, she was most certainly _not_ okay with.

"What in Brimir's name are you _thinking_!?" she shrieked. "Forget that this is a crazy plan, forget von Zerbst's chauvinism, forget I actually can't believe you're going to do – do – _that_ in the middle of a ball –" (Louise felt like slapping herself when she realized how suggestive her comment sounded, and it didn't really feel better when she tried to remind herself that at least no physical misconduct had been plotted) "– you're _my_ familiar, damn it! Mine! Why are you listening to everything Kirche is telling you!?"

"Oh, don't worry Louise-chan! If you want to dance with me I can attend to both of you at once!"

That wasn't the point!

"And that's how it is," the Germainian said, sending Louise a triumphant look. "That's all I came here for, so I'll see you when fate brings us together again, my dear!"

And just like that, she left with Louise sputtering at her back. Flame sent her Servant an almost condescending look and stepped on his foot as the flame lizard walked out, which Louise bitterly figured it was to communicate that of the "two" familiars of Kirche, Flame came first so _he_ was the superior one. It so disturbingly parallel to their masters' standing that Louise wished her Servant would fight back.

Which was why she was completely surprised when in the blink of an eye Flame was indeed pinned to the wall by the weight of her familiar's foot.

"Hey, crappy scales," the man said, voice completely unlike the servitude he had shown Kirche, "let's set one thing straight. I only tolerate you because Kirche seems to like you. If she decrees it, I'm fine being underneath you. But I don't put up with _your_ shit, and if you push it, the next meal I'm going to serve will be lizard meat. Are we clear?"

So stunned was Louise that she could do nothing but gape as Flame whimpered its assent and left as hurriedly as its stumped legs would let him. It was a moment after that that she finally turned to her familiar.

"Is it true that lizard meat tastes like chicken?" she asked, having found her new favourite dish.


	26. The Days III

And then there was _that_ day.

"This is cruel," Kirche whimpered. "Oh my god, Zero, how could you be so heartless? Look at the poor man. _Look_ at him! This is a terrible idea!"

Louise would've told her to shut up had she not agreed with everything the redhead said. She gingerly eyed the scene before her – or to be more accurate, the smoking remains of it. "Servant? Are you...alive?"

There was a cough, and then a few of the destroyed trees shifted, letting out a staggering man charred black by several explosions. "I can...keep going..." her familiar wheezed.

"No, my darling!" Kirche cried. "You've done enough! There's no need to push yourself this far!"

"As much as I can't believe I'm saying this, I agree with her," Louise said, her face pale. "If I keep practicing on you, you'll really die."

Tabitha flicked a page of her book and kept reading.

"Ahh, you're such angels, Louise-chan, Tabitha-chan, Kirche..." the man groaned out. "But don't worry, I can keep taking them. Because –" The familiar straightened to his full height. "Those explosions – are cast – with my cute master's love!"

"That still means you're going to die!" Louise yelled out.

"It's okay, Louise-chan," the Servant said, grinning at her. "I'm the one who suggested it, after all. I went through a similar training before, so I'm sure it'll work. You just need to put something you cherish on the line – and if you do that, there's nothing you can't improve on! I believe in you, Louise-chan! You can do it!"

His words struck something in her soul. Louise stared at her Servant, his earnest face, his confident faith. She gripped her wand tighter.

"He believes in me," she whispered to herself. "He believes in me. Then... Then, as a noble, there's no less I can do to repay that belief than to succeed for him! I can do it!" She pointed her wand at the man and shouted, "Levitation!"

Unfortunately, she forgot that this was exactly how she was suckered into casting last time (and the times before that). Thus, Kirche covered her eyes, Tabitha kept reading, an explosion ripped through the air, and Louise went through another guilt trip all over again.


	27. The Days IV

But the day that took the cake, the day which _really_ embedded itself into her mind, was the day her Servant told her he wasn't even from this world. In fact, she was so stunned she had to ask him to run that by her again.

"My world is completely different," the man said, staring down at the atlases borrowed from the library with a dazed air. "I'm not as good as Nami-chan, but I know basic calculations, at least – and if I scaled this right, the continent of Halkeginia is way too big for the Grand Line, which is impossible, because Halkeginia resembles no other landmasses of the Four Seas. This...this isn't my world."

"Preposterous!" Louise insisted, yet not quite being able to believe herself. "You're telling me that there are other – _worlds_ – out there that we've never been aware of? It – it defies logic! There must be a simpler explanation!"

The familiar paused, and then told her, "Then, tell me if any of these words mean anything to you: Gold Roger. The Grand Line. North Blue, East Blue, South Blue, West Blue. The Golden Age of the Pirates. Devil Fruits. The World Government. The Marines. One Piece..."

And when with each word Louise felt herself getting more and more lost, the Servant shook his head. "Halkeginia would covers at least two percent of the Earth I know. And if we're really in my world, there's no way an area that large would never have heard of at least one of those terms. I'm..." The man sat back, an amazed expression on his face. "I'm really in a different world."

Both were silent for a few moment, each lost in their own thoughts, letting that new information sink in. And then Louise said, quietly, "And...and, knowing this, do you...do you still want to go back?"

The familiar looked at her in surprise, before smiling gently. "Sorry, Louise-chan," he said, "but there are some things I would never give up on even at the cost of my life. My dream means everything to me. My pride, even more so. And my friends, my comrades, mean the most of all. No matter what impossibility fate might throw my way...my goal will not change."

He held himself so proudly, so confidently, that Louise, with no small surprise, felt a measure of genuine admiration for him welling up inside her._ Ah,_ Louise thought, staring at her companion, _so that's what a great man looks like._

Then the Servant casually added, "Besides I'm not worried all that much. Since you brought me here, you'll be able to send me right back, right, Louise-chan?"

And that was how Louise suddenly felt on her shoulders the dreadfully heavy weight that was the responsibility of returning the future Pirate King's cook back to him. Gulp.


End file.
